


In the most unlikely places

by moeblobmegane



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: Alternate Universe - Magical Realism, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, a side of one sided akame, idols are magic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-03
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-12-23 07:27:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11985075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moeblobmegane/pseuds/moeblobmegane
Summary: Every idol who shines enough gets aLumina, a physical representation of their glow





	In the most unlikely places

**Author's Note:**

  * For [katieisperalda](https://archiveofourown.org/users/katieisperalda/gifts).



> I saw "fantasy" and "realistic" and ended up with this magical realism au. I hope that's fine?  
> This is very loosely based on one aspect of akb0048 (having an idol’s light be represented by flying beings called Kirara).  
> The real life events in this fic doesn’t quite follow the real timeline? Sorry ‘bout that. I _tried_!! A+ for effort.
> 
> I hope you like it!!!!!

”And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.”

-Roald Dahl

~[ * * ]~

Yamada falls in love on the beach, under the bright sunlight, with the wind blowing around him. He falls in love with a camera trailing behind him, watching the process without any shame. They do not know, do not notice, the way a tiny light flickers beside him. Neither do they notice the shine in his eyes, or the gasp he exhales when Yuto looks at him.

He falls in love for the first time, and he feels something warm that doesn’t feel like his own.

 

Johnny’s Entertainment has a trade secret.

No one asks about it, and no one talks about it, but everyone inside has some idea about the magic flowing through their agency. Some say it’s the reason why their idols shine. Some say it’s the reason why they sell. Some say it’s the reason why they all look so young.

Johnny would say it’s love.

He would say it’s the physical manifestation of the fans’ love, multiplied by the love each member feels for their groups.

No one knows what it really is, but those who whisper in the dark calls it _Lumina, the light from an idol’s soul_.

 

He is ten when he sees it for the first time. Domoto Koichi shines on his own, but the luminous blue butterfly following him around feels like a spotlight all on its own. It moves with the choreography, and the light that plays on its wings add beauty to the already majestic stage.

“I want one,” he tells his mom after the concert. “I want one of those.”

His mom looks at him with amusement, and asks, “Want what?”

“A giant butterfly!” He can still see it when he closes his eyes, its glowing wings flapping to the song’s rhythm. “It was shiny and pretty!”

“You saw a butterfly inside?” Mom looks confused at first, and then she laughs. “It was probably a prop. I’m sure idols have lots of those.”

He isn’t sure what she means, but he nods anyway. “I want one,” he repeats.

“I guess you have to become an idol, then.”

He hums in agreement.

He forgets about it, for a little while. Soccer and school are more important to him than anything. The butterfly disappears from his mind as soccer tryouts start.

 

Months later, it’s Yabu who explains to him what the glowing butterfly means. He explains about _star power_ and _debuts_ , and he explains about the magic in the air. There’s something about idols, something about the overpowering affection the fans shower them, something about the cycle of devotion that resonates inside a concert hall.

When an idol smiles, when a fan cries, when a song is sung to the beat of the fans’ waving hands, something magical happens.

 _Lumina_ is that warmth.

Yamada dreams of being bright enough that his light becomes magic.

 

“Do you think…” Yamada sits on one corner of the practice hall and watches as the older boys dance flawlessly to the choreography they’ve been practicing for hours. He knows they are better than him because they have been here longer, but it still makes him envious. He wants to be that good. He wants to be better. “Do you think I’ll ever get a Lumina?”

Ryutaro sits beside him, head leaning on the wall. He opens one eye and peeks at him curiously. “You think you’ll get one?”

“That’s what I asked,” Yamada complains.

“But since you’re _thinking_ about it,” Ryutaro starts, “it means you think you’ll get one.”

“That doesn’t make sense,” Yamada says. He frowns, eyebrows drawn in concentration. “It really doesn’t.”

“I’m tired,” Ryutaro says. “Don’t talk about impossible things.”

“You don’t think you’ll get one?” Yamada asks. He can’t imagine working so hard and yet not dreaming about getting a Lumina. What motivates juniors if not for that light? Only debuted idols get them. Debuting is the only goal in this agency. Yamada has only been here for a few weeks, but he knows that.

“I’ll get it when I get it,” Ryutaro says dismissively. “I don’t wanna think about it too much.”

Yamada thinks about it all the time. He can’t stop thinking about what his will look like. He hopes it’s as pretty as Domoto Koichi’s.

 

The first time he sees Yuto, he thinks he sees a spark. It’s like an after-image, a flash of something that disappears as soon as Yamada blinks. He thinks _Yuto-kun will get a Lumina for sure_ , and it feels like a fact.

When Yuto smiles and says, “We go on the same direction! Do you want to go home together?” with a smile so bright it rivals Tackey’s Lumina, Yamada can only nod and shyly follow along.

Maybe, if he stays close enough, Yuto’s spark will light something inside Yamada too.

 

It feels so far away, though.

In practice halls, he and Ryutaro are always at the very back and they barely see themselves in the mirrors. The choreographer doesn’t know their names, and never calls them to show the moves in front. They’re forgettable. They’re replaceable.

Yuto is always in front, right at the center, a group of juniors rotating around him like planets soaking in his warmth.

Yuto is the sun, and Yamada feels like a dying star.

 

“You’re really good, you know?” Yuto tells him, while walking home one day. “They’ll see it, I promise. When we go to Hawaii, they’ll see it for sure.”

Yamada basks in his confidence and pretends he feels the same way. Yuto’s words make him feel like he could be anything he wants. “I hope so,” he says. No matter how he tries, the waver in his voice stays there. He tries and tries to be sure about his position, to be self-assured like Yuto is, but doubts always appear anyway.

He wonders if he can really shine, when his inside feels like one big shadow.

Yuto stops, puts a hand on his arm, and says, “I already see it, you know? You shine.”

With that clear gaze staring right at him, Yamada feels something inside him settle.

 

In Hawaii, he falls in love for the first time.

And as the love he feels for Yuto solidifies, so does the warmth he doesn’t quite understand.

~[ * * ]~

The Lumina doesn’t always appear immediately after a group debuts. Sometimes, it’s gradual. Yuto knows that Kame and Akanishi got theirs even before KAT-TUN debuted, while Aiba and Sho got theirs four years after their debut. Tackey got his a whole year before Tsubasa did. Tsuyoshi still doesn’t have one.

It’s not a be-all, end-all situation.

He knows that. He _understands_.

But every time he sees Yamada’s Lumina shine during performances together, something inside him _aches_. He is jealous.

No, not just that.

He’s envious. He wants what Yamada has. He wants that shine.

He obsesses over it. Yamada’s Lumina is not a butterfly like he always wanted, but it is as pretty as anything Yuto has ever seen. It’s called a Giant Atlas Moth, and its wings are crimson red. The veins through the wings are light blue in contrast. It’s perfect.

When it’s around, Yuto’s eyes are immediately drawn to it. Somewhere inside him, he feels an affinity with it. He doesn’t know what it means. He doesn’t know why he feels an ownership over the thing.

Sometimes, Yuto wonders if Yamada stole the light inside him and made it his own.

 

“It doesn’t show up all the time, you know?”

Chinen is bright-eyed, even this early in the morning. His Lumina, a glasswinged butterfly, flits around his head before perching on his hair like a fancy hairclip.

Yuto pretends not to stare. Chinen lets him.

“What?”

“Yama-chan’s Lumina,” he explains. “It doesn’t show up all the time.”

Yuto frowns. “Does it hide?” He’s never seen Chinen without his ever since it manifested during their first concert as Hey! Say! JUMP. Hikaru’s Luna moth is almost always plastered on his back like a fashion statement. He’s never seen Yamada without his.

Chinen shakes his head. “No, it just disappears.” He stares at Yuto as if waiting for something. “It _disappears_.”

“That doesn’t make sense,” Yuto says. Yamada always shines. Why would his Lumina disappear? Yamada shines _the brightest_ out of anyone, and Yuto cannot imagine him without the glow of his Atlas Moth following him around. It’s been years since he last saw Yamada without a light red glow tinting the background.

It feels like a betrayal, somehow. Yamada should always have his, because Yuto doesn’t have one. It’s not fair otherwise.

“It doesn’t make sense,” Chinen agrees. “But it happens for a reason.”

“And that reason is…?”

Chinen shrugs. “I thought you’d be the one to understand.”

Yuto doesn’t know why Chinen would expect that of him. He doesn’t have his own Lumina. How would he understand something like that?

With a sigh, Chinen stands up. “You two are ridiculous,” he mutters, before leaving the room.

 

It would be easy to bury his feelings if Yamada wasn’t so… _all that_.

If Yamada wasn’t so hard working, if Yamada wasn’t so talented, if Yamada wasn’t so _good_ , Yuto thinks it would be easy to forget all these insecurities.

 

Once upon a time, Yuto said “if I were a girl, I’d want Yama-chan to be my boyfriend”. That was not a lie. Is not a lie.

Even as a boy, he sees the appeal. When girls scream Yamada’s name and he smiles shyly at the crowd, Yuto can see the charm. Backstage, when Yamada worries about his steps and mutters to himself anxiously, Yuto can even feel affection well up inside him.

But it’s hard, being on the same stage as that kind of perfection.

(He knows, he _knows_ , that Yamada is not perfect, that he falls like everybody else, that he puts ten times more effort to reach this level, but an envious heart is not rational.)

Yuto would fall for Yamada, if he is watching from the crowd, but right here, beside his light, Yuto only feels like a shadow.

 

He once told Yamada, “You shine”, and it will always be a truth in Yuto’s heart. No matter how much darkness his heart feels, Yamada’s shine will always be a fact. Yuto has no bearing in Yamada’s life. Yamada worked hard because that’s what he does. Yamada did his best because he wanted to _be_ the best.

Yuto, despite everything, admires him for that.

 

He doesn’t hate Yamada. He is hyper-aware of him. He is envious of everything Yamada has. He feels _too much_ when around him.

It isn’t hate, but he doesn’t have any other word for it.

~[ * * ]~

When Yamada gets the role of Ryuu and Yuto doesn’t get the role of Kyuu, something shifts in their dynamics. It’s gradual at first, until they’re two years into their debut and everything falls apart.

Yamada is in love with Yuto. And Yuto hates him.

This is the price of a Lumina, he thinks. A fire doesn’t start without burning something first.

 

In his head, he calls his Lumina _Koichi_ , because that’s where everything started. It’s some kind of moth, unlike the one he initially wanted, but it’s big and has vivid colors and Yamada loves it. Koichi is the physical representation of his dream, and its warmth reminds him of success.

But Koichi is not like any other Lumina.

Koichi isn’t always there.

“Where’s…” Hikaru sits on the chair opposite of him, his Lumina flying from his back to his arm. “How do you do that?”

“How do I do what?” Yamada looks up from where he’s reading the stage directions for their PV shoot. He likes to immerse himself on any task at hand. It minimizes the chance to think about other things.

“Where do you hide your… you know?”

Yamada doesn’t like to think about this. It makes him feel like he’s not good enough, like his star power is conditional. “I don’t,” he says, and hopes it’s the end of the discussion.

It isn’t, because this is Hikaru and he’s more curious than anyone in this group. “You don’t?” Hikaru’s eyes are wide with wonder, but also with worry.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he says.

Hikaru doesn’t say anything, even though he looks like he wants to ask more. He may be curious, but he is also kinder than anyone. He knows when to give Yamada space.

Yamada is lucky to be in the same group as him.

 

On his first guesting on VS Arashi with Chinen, Yamada sneaks off to visit Arashi’s dressing room. He greets them like a good kohai and bows respectfully before he steps in. Taking a deep breath, he closes the door and asks, “Can I ask for advice?”

Nino says “no” immediately, but his eyes have that impish twinkle, and his Lumina--a yellow butterfly--brightens as if to match his eyes.

Jun laughs and nods, focusing all his attention on him. The golden beetle on his shoulder is so shiny it’s almost blinding.

Ohno, Sho, and Aiba glance at him once but goes back to whatever they’re doing. Their Luminas hover between them like glow sticks in a concert. Yamada is fascinated by the way they move. It feels like a choreographed sway. They’ve been in this group long enough that their Lumina interact on their own volition. Yamada wants that for JUMP.

Shifting his attention back to Jun, he clears his throat and straightens his back. “My, um… My Lumina is-” He gestures around him, emphasizing Koichi’s absence. “It’s not here.”

Nino narrows his eyes, and the three at the side stops what they’re doing to look at him. Jun frowns deeply. “Did you… lose it?”

“No, no,” Yamada says, shaking his head. “It’s just… not here. It doesn’t appear all the time.”

“I’ve never heard anything like that,” Jun answers. He looks disturbed by the idea.

“I have.”

Everyone turns to look at Ohno, who is casually playing with one of the Lumina as if he didn’t just drop a major reveal. Nino gapes, indignance obvious in his whole posture. “You- what?”

“I’ve heard of it,” Ohno repeats. “Domoto Koichi doesn’t always have a Lumina. I saw him performing without one once.”

“How have I never heard of this?” Nino asks. “Riida!”

Ohno blinks at him in confusion. “You never asked me.”

Nino sighs exasperatedly. Jun’s golden beetle flies to his shoulder and stays there, like a comfort, and Nino looks down at it fondly, temporarily distracted. The movement feels natural. Yamada envies. He wishes his own group has this ease.

“Do you know why?”

“Hm,” Ohno hums. He gets distracted by one of the other Lumina, but the third one flits around his eyes and seems to point towards Yamada’s direction to keep him on track. “He said it was with Tsuyoshi.”

That doesn’t make sense. Tsuyoshi has never had a Lumina, and that isn’t how Lumina _works_. You can’t just leave your soul with someone else. How would you even do that? Why would anyone do that?

“Oh,” Nino says. He has calmed down, and is smiling in understanding now. “I guess that makes sense.”

Aiba laughs in agreement. “Right?”

Yamada has no idea what that means. They all look like they understand, though, and asking feels like a surrender. If he asks, they’ll know he’s not on the same level as them. He doesn’t want that reminder.

 

Yuma gets a rainbow-colored caterpillar the moment he walks into the agency. Chinen is eternally enchanted by it. “Do you think it’ll become a butterfly?” He asks, eyes brimming with curiosity. “It’s the first time I’ve heard of anything like this happening.”

“I’m not sure,” Yuma says. He smiles down at the caterpillar on his shoulder, all fondness and affection. “But I like it the way it is.”

Chinen’s butterfly perches on Yuma’s caterpillar while they talk.

Around the two and their comfortable give-and-take, Koichi’s absence feels like a vacuum.

 

Yamada has nightmares, sometimes.

He’s in a concert, performing, when all the lights suddenly turn off. Chinen still continues to perform, as does Hikaru and Yabu and Yuya. They shine, even without the spotlight. Yamada looks around and Koichi is never around. He is lost in the darkness. He is alone.

In worse nights, the nightmare is different.

He sees Yuto pick Koichi from the air and crush it in his hands, the light permanently extinguished.

It scares him.

The love he feels for Yuto is the spark he needed to light up inside, and the hate Yuto feels for him might be the one to kill it.

 

Yuto hates Yamada, and Yamada is scared that he will grow to hate Yuto too.

 

~[ * * ]~

Jin leaves for the US, and Kame loses his Lumina.

It scares Yuto, more than anything. If Kame can lose his, does that mean anyone can? He has always thought they’re eternal, that their light will always shine as long as a person is an idol. This changes everything.

Yuto doesn’t want any of their Lumina to disappear. Especially Yamada’s.

He may be envious of the boy, may have some not-quite-hate for him, but he will never wish this on anyone. He will never wish this on _Yamada_ , because he will always shine the brightest. That Giant Atlas Moth may be a source of insecurity, but it is also a source of guidance. As long as it’s around, Yuto knows where to follow.

Yamada is the one he chose to be his rival, to be the one he will chase, and Yuto will never let his light disappear.

 

It takes months for Kame’s Lumina to come back, and even when it does, it’s tamer, calmer than the hyperactive light it used to be.

No one talks about what it means, but Yuto thinks it’s what heartbreak looks like.

 

“How did you get it back?” Yuto asks Kame, the one time they finally find the time to hang out during their breaks. Yuto has lots of breaks, lately. He doesn’t like thinking about it. “After you lost it?”

It takes a few seconds before Kame replies, and when he does, his smile is small but genuine. “I never lost it,” he answers. “It just took a little break.”

Yuto frowns. “Really?” It feels like an incomplete answer, and that does not help him at all.

“Yeah,” Kame says. “It forgot how to shine for a while there, but my teammates reminded me what’s important.”

Now, that sounds promising. “What’s important?”

Kame chuckles, like he’s amused by Yuto’s questions. “KAT-TUN is my home,” he says. “And they won’t ever leave me.”

Yuto thinks of JUMP and what his group means to him. It’s not quite _home_ , not yet, but he thinks maybe someday he can think like that too. They’re young and insecure of their place in this agency, but they’re slowly seeing their true worth.

Someday, he hopes he can look at JUMP and see the second family he yearns for.

 

Yabu is the one he approaches, in the end. Yuto’s older now, and the not-quite-hate isn’t at all like hate anymore. He thinks it feels like a fire blazing inside him, with no direction. It feels like it would burn him from inside, if he doesn’t let it out.

“You know, you could just _talk_ it out?” Yabu is gentle with his advice, but there’s an edge to it, too. He wants what’s best for them, and he knows this is what they need. It has dragged on long enough. They all know it.

“It’s not that easy, is it?” Yuto think of all the times he and Yamada were left alone. Yuto thinks of school days when they never talked, of photoshoots that were stilted and forced. He thinks of the looks Yamada would give him sometimes, looks that he ignored in favor of looking away. “I don’t even know where to start.”

Yabu smiles encouragingly, and his Lumina lands on Yuto’s hand. It’s warm and comforting, like an extension of Yabu. “Start with what you know.”

 

What he knows, and what Yamada knows, is: the truth, so raw it hurts.

“I hated you,” Yuto says, and he feels it in his bones. He did. There was a time when looking at Yamada felt like being ripped into pieces. It isn’t that way anymore, though. Time does heal all wounds, and what they’ve had at least was time.

Yamada looks at him, steady and sure, and he says, “I hated you, too.”

They look at each other, and for the first time in a long time, they both feel it again. That spark they’ve almost forgotten.

Yamada’s Lumina flies towards Yuto and settles on his chest, right by his heart.

It shines brighter than it has ever shone before.

 

(“What the _hell_ was that?” Chinen looks at the two of them with a cocktail of emotions: confusion, annoyance, and a little bit of relief. Yuto feels bad for making him go through years of this. “What do you mean you hate each other?”

Yamada laughs. “Hated,” he corrects.

“Yeah,” Yuto agrees. “Past tense.”

They both look at Chinen and Keito, sees the bewilderment in their expressions, and bursts out laughing together.)

 

They talk it out, like the adults they barely are. Chinen and Keito leaves them be, and the two of them hunker down at one corner of the restaurant, in a booth where no one can interrupt this talk that has been years in the making.

“I’m sorry,” Yuto says, because it feels like the next big truth he needed to lay down. It took years for him to acknowledge Yamada’s role in JUMP, and even more to accept it. They both know how hard Yamada works and it was disrespectful of him to turn a blind eye on it. “I was immature.” By the look on Yamada’s face, he thinks maybe he understands.

Yamada nods and sips his beer. He’s not really good with alcohol, so drinking more is a clear sign that he’s nervous about this. “I didn’t know what I did wrong,” he says. “And instead of asking, I just… got scared.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, anyway.” It was never Yamada’s fault. It was the situation. It was Yuto not being strong enough to fight off the darkness in his heart.

But they’re older now, and they’ve learned enough to realize that they needed to be their own people before they could co-exist the way they did before. They needed to grow, without each other. Yuto has confidence in his own skills, in JUMP band and in his acting. He even has newfound confidence in his modelling.

Yamada’s taken his responsibility as center seriously, and he has grown into the big shoes he has had to fill. Yamada is sure of his place in this group now, and he will never be ashamed of it.

“We’re both bad at this,” Yamada says, scrunching up his nose in disgust.

“We’ll get better,” Yuto says. It’s a promise. It’s an oath.

This time, they’ll both be better.

 

Yamada calls his Lumina _Koichi_ , and Yuto calls it _Kinky_ to rile him up.

“Stop!” he says, punching Yuto on the arm. “Don’t call Koichi that!”

Yuto laughs and backs away. “But it wasn’t a Koichi concert. It was a Kinki kids concert you first saw, so I think-”

Yamada punches him on the arm again.

“I’m just _saying_ ,” he says, raising both hands up in surrender.

“You suck,” Yamada says, but he’s laughing.

 

~[ * * ]~

“You know, Kinky really likes Yuto, huh?”

Yamada frowns at Chinen, pouring all his disapproval in it. “Stop calling it that.”

Chinen doesn’t look the least bit affected. “Lumina are the windows to our soul,” he adds.

“So?” Yamada doesn’t want to talk about this. His friendship with Yuto is newly mended, and he does not want to add any other complications to it. He’s been in love with Yuto for years. Being friends with the man again doesn’t change anything.

“So calling it Kinky seems more appropriate,” Chinen says.

Yamada picks up his water bottle and throws it at Chinen’s face. Chinen doesn’t have the decency to let it hit him, deftly catching it with one hand. Asshole. “I don’t know why I put up with you,” he says.

Chinen scoffs. “ _I_ put up with _you_ ,” he corrects. “You’re so bad at feelings.”

“I’m not the one who plays with scotch tape instead of make friends with my co-stars,” Yamada shots back.

“I’m not the one who hides inside my locker instead of talking to Yuto like a normal person,” Chinen retorts.

“We’re both equally bad at feelings,” Yamada says. “I don’t know how we survive.”

Chinen laughs. “Yabu-kun is the only sane person in our group,” he says.

“That seems rude to Dai-chan.”

“I stand by what I said.”

 

Super Delicate is special to Yamada for a variety of reasons. It’s the song they sang for their drama, and it has the two of them as double-centers. It’s been Yamada’s dream for so long, and having it happen in reality is so much more than he ever expected.

Not to mention, its choreography is… interesting, to say the least.

Once, during a concert, Yuto kisses his cheek, and Chinen has to push through between them to stop Koichi’s glow from blinding everyone on stage.

 

Koichi flits between them. It doesn’t stop on one side for long, always going between them. It shines brighter now, and the light feel more alive. Yamada has never felt so free.

“Okay, here’s one,” Yuya says, pointing towards a fan’s uchiwa. “It says ‘can we get a hug, Yama-chan’!” He turns towards the stage, grinning from ear to ear. “So how about it, Yamada-kun?”

Yamada starts to walk towards the fan, but Koichi flies in front of him, as if to stop him.

Behind him, Yuto says, “No! You can’t!”

A chorus of ‘awww’ resounds from the audience.

“Why?!” Yuya asks.

Yabu laughs and asks, “Who are you to decide that?!”

With the smuggest expression on his face, he says, “I’m the boyfriend.”

Everybody laughs. The fans scream.

It’s fanservice. They _all_ know it’s fanservice. But later, when Yamada walks over to Yuto, the possessive arm he puts around Yamada’s shoulders feels like more.

 

“Koichi reacts to you,” Yamada finally gets the courage to say during a downtime in between rehearsals. “It doesn’t appear when we’re not together.” It feels too much already, this little information. Yamada feels cracked open, like he’s showing his soul to Yuto and giving him the chance to hurt him again.

It’s the truth, though, and they have an oath to keep.

“I noticed,” Yuto says, eyes on the wall. He doesn’t move from where he’s sitting on the floor, doesn’t even look up to Yamada. His face doesn’t change its expression. “I thought you took it from me, before. I felt like it’s mine.”

“Maybe it is,” Yamada says. “Maybe it’s ours.”

Yuto looks up, then, expression vulnerable. Koichi flutters its wings in between them, and its glow tints Yuto’s face a soft red. “Is that possible?”

Yamada thinks of Domoto Koichi, of Tsuyoshi, and about the way those two move. He thinks about Arashi’s Lumina, five different lights that move as one. He thinks of the spark he felt back then, when he thought he was being swallowed by the shadows.

Yamada thinks of Hawaii, and of the sun shining behind a smiling Yuto.

“I think it is,” he says. “I think it’s ours.”

 _We shine the most when we’re together_.


End file.
